I Couldn't Shake This Feeling
by xxsnoopyxx
Summary: J/C One shot - "I couldn't shake this feeling and I was too scared to admit that I had been feeling it all along." Kathryn realises her feelings for Chakotay, but has a bit of trouble figuring out what to do about them.


**AN: Just a little something I came up with yesterday at school when I should have been studying. I hope you enjoy reading.**

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I couldn't shake this feeling and I was too scared to admit that I had been feeling it all along. It was the feeling of attraction and of desire for one particular man. It was the feeling of longing to be touched, to be held and to be cared for. It was the feeling of butterflies in my stomach every time I was in his presence; it was the feeling of love that I couldn't shake. I couldn't shake the knowledge that I was in love with Chakotay, my first officer, and I was scared to admit it, especially now that I had realised it.

I wasn't quite sure what it was that made me realise this very important notion. It seemed to be a gradual thing that sped up, as the climax was getting closer, and then it hit me like a brick wall. I was in love with Chakotay. My first officer, and I couldn't help but feel guilty that I had fallen in love with someone out here in the delta quadrant, so far from home. It was my duty to get the crew home and I had promised myself when I made the decision to destroy the caretakers array, that I wouldn't let anything jeopardise our mission to get back to the alpha quadrant. Even if that meant not taking any personal pleasures or engaging in things that could interfere with my ability to make logical decisions, or jeopardise the crews moral and safety. Falling in love with Chakotay was certainly a breach of that promise, not to mention a breach of protocol if I… we actually acted on it. That is if the feeling was mutual.

My head felt like it was spinning, I just couldn't wrap my head around this situation I found myself in. I mean, of all people on board this ship, I feel in love with Chakotay. Chakotay! The former leader of the maquis and now my first officer! I guess thinking about it more objectively; it was equally as wrong if it had been someone like Mike Ayala or Tom Paris. Chakotay is still a member of my crew; his rank doesn't really effect how unethical the whole situation could potentially be.

So here I was… in love with someone I could never have, never allow myself to have. Even if we did manage to get home somehow in the next year or two, there is no way we could be together. I could never be sure if he felt the same way about me and I couldn't risk rejection. I had faced many things as a star ship captain, but rejection was something that I had always taken to heart. So I allowed myself to cry over my sudden heartbreak, over the second sudden realisation for the hour that I could never have him. I allowed myself to feel completely wrecked, to feel alone and glum. I allowed myself to feel vulnerable in this moment and fall asleep having spent an hour letting the silent tears run tracks down my pale face so that in the morning, I could hide behind my captains mask and not have to worry if any of the raw emotions I was feeling would seep through the cracks. Not have to worry if he would notice that someone was very wrong.

=/\=

How I managed to get through my shift on the bridge I did not know. I guess it had something to do with the countless cups of coffee and endless systems reports. I was grateful for the distraction, for the work, for I hadn't spent the day caught up in my head or my emotions. I made my way back to my quarters at the end of my shift, strangely calm and at peace with the situation and decided that I would spend the night for me.

I was going to take a bubble bath and read a book. I was going to have banana and caramel pancakes for dinner and dance around my living space to some upbeat music whilst I drank wine. I was going to enjoy being alive and pretend that no one needed me or looked to me for orders. I was going to pretend that no one depended on me to make decisions that could affect their lives. I was going to pretend that no one needed my advice because no one wanted it and that the delta quadrant was 70,000 light years away that we were simply on a deep space mission in the alpha quadrant. I would pretend that I wasn't the captain, merely a science officer. I would pretend that none of my burdens existed for I was sure that if I didn't let everything go for just a little while, that I would never recover.

I replicated my pancakes and wine the minute I entered my quarters and instructed the computer to play something with a good beat. Music started filling the room and I picked up the pancakes and placed them on the table. I wasted no time tucking in, the pancakes were light and fluffy, just how I liked them. I poured the caramel over the top and replicated some whipped cream and ice cream, which I lathered on as well, who's counting calories tonight? I certainly was not.

By 20:00 hours, I was dancing around the room and sipping wine. I had emptied half the bottle and had begun to feel somewhat tipsy and very out of character. I had never done anything like this and really couldn't understand why as I found it was a very effective way to just forget about everything for a while and simply enjoy living. Exhausted, I decided to run the bath and chose passion fruit and guava scented bubble bath. Slipping out of my uniform I eased into the bath, instantly feeling my muscles relax and my mind clear completely as I lay there reading Dante's Inferno.

By 22:00 hours, I was dressed for bed; exhausted with the activities I had endeavoured in over the past few hours but satisfied that I could face another day, regardless of my feelings for Chakotay. I knew that if I simply closed the door on my feelings for him that things would go back to how they were and that even if I couldn't, things would be okay. At least that is what I told myself; how naïve I was to think that it could be that simple.

The door chime rang and I called for whomever it was to enter, to my utter shock, it was Chakotay, his presence sending my serene thoughts spiralling into chaos. Oh how wrong I had been, to think that I could simply close the door on those feelings. All my tears, all that time I had spent dancing around my quarters, all the reports and coffee that I subjected myself too seemed to be all for nothing as my previously tranquil mental state reverted to confused and heart broken. I couldn't shake this feeling.

'Kathryn, I want to know why you haven't said a single word to me all day. Why you locked yourself in your ready room. I am worried about you. It's not like you to go an entire day without a single word.' Was all he said, his tone slightly domineering yet concerned. Had I really not said a single word to him all day? I tried to recall my actions, who I had seen, who I spoke to, coming up blank I assumed he was right.

'I had a lot on my mind.' It was the only explanation I managed to come up with, he didn't buy it.

'I know you. I know that there is only one thing on your mind. You are only ever this distracted when something major is bothering you.' He was right, the only thing on my mind was that I loved him and couldn't have him; it was all I could think about no matter where I was or what I was doing, I had been kidding myself the entire time – all of the distractions had only provided temporary relief from my heart ache.

'I… I don't want to talk about it. Please Chakotay.' My words quivered slightly with emotion, I knew now he wouldn't let this go. I could feel my eyes starting to swell up with years, which threatened to fall and send me into a broken mess. I couldn't believe myself, all this over love. I had never felt this way before in any of the relationships I had had in the past. I turned my back to him, in order to recompose myself.

The room was silent for a minute and then I heard his footsteps as he moved closer toward me and wrapped me in his arms. Instantly, I felt warm, safe and secure. Protected from anything that ever wanted to harm me. I felt loved and cared for, like I belonged there in his arms, with him. I realised how much I had wanted this and I realised that I had been denying it for so long.

'I hate seeing you hurt. I want you to be able to talk to me, tell me everything you hide away. I want you.' He whispered in my ear slowly, and clearly. What had just happened? Was I dreaming? Did he really just say he wanted me? I spun around in his arms to look into his eyes, searching for truth in his words, searching for something that would confirm that I had actually heard him say those words and that I hadn't simply heard something that my mind had fabricated. All I saw was love, kindness and truth. How had I not seen this before? Was I even sure that what I was seeing was true?

'I…'I couldn't manage to say anything else but he seemed to understand what I had been trying to say.

'I love you Kathryn; I have for a very long time. Why am I telling you this now? Because for the passed few years, I have seen the way you look at me, the way that you talk to me is unlike the way you talk to every other member of the crew. I saw that you loved me. You may not have realised it or wanted to believe it, but I did, I saw it and I was so over the moon that I was ready to sweep you off your feet in the instant that I saw your love for me, but I realised, it was only barely there. Subtle things you did that I knew you probably weren't admitting to yourself and so I waited. I waited until today when I saw in your eyes when you walked on that bridge this morning, that something had changed and when you avoided my gaze, I knew you had made peace with yourself.'

'But how?' My question seemed to have him stumped as he stood there in silence, thinking of something he could say to me.

'I don't know Kathryn, I can't explain it.' He smiled as he gazed out the view port in front of us, lost in his thoughts for a split moment before he looked in my eyes again, showing me that fire and love I had seen in him, that passion and his desire for me.

For some reason today, I felt very bold, very daring to try things that I would never have thought I would ever do. First it was the dancing and the wine but this time I found myself erasing the small amount of space between us, connecting my lips with his. In that moment, all of my worries seemed to be washed away, my heart no longer ached, my desire for him grew and the longing that we both shared was intensified upon contact. There was no going back but there were alarm bells going off and I pulled away unsure of what to do.

'What about the crew? I promised myself I would get them home.'

'You will get them home Kathryn. You are the most dedicated and passionate person I have ever met, you won't stop until you either get them home or die trying.'

'What about protocol?'

'Last time I checked, we are the only Starfleet vessel in the delta quadrant.'

'What about…' It seemed my most immediate concerns had been satisfied. He smiled and chuckled lightly. I couldn't help but laugh myself.

'Be mine Kathryn.' It wasn't a question, rather a statement that he was giving me no choice in. This time it was he who closed the space between us. To hell with protocol! I had already acted out of character twice today, what's once more? Everything I had wanted, I now had. I had Chakotay, he was mine and he loved me. Why I denied my feelings for so long, I couldn't even comprehend. I no longer felt guilty for loving him, I no longer felt heart broken, vulnerable or alone. I was happy, and content, more than I had ever been before. It was the feeling of attraction and desire to be with him, the feeling that I was safe and that he would love me for the rest of his life, it was the feeling of total bliss and the feeling of being completely and utterly in love. And now, I couldn't shake THIS feeling.


End file.
